This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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