At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
