Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
