What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
