Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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