I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
