You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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