I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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