My liver just broke up with me...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
