I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
