Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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