It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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