That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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