"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
