i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
