I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
