Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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