i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
