Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
