so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
