and you said cock pushups were impossible
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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