Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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