Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
