she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
