my mouth tastes like poor choices
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
