he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
