You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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