DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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