Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
