I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
