Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
