omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
