So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
