i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
