Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
