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You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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