bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
