Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
bring money and cleavage
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
