so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
