Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
