he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
