i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The adults are the big ones right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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