I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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