Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
