I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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