In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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