Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
