Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
