I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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