just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
